


Save Me

by Impala_Cherry_Trickster



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Canon Era, Drug Use, Good Morgana (Merlin), Grief/Mourning, Hurt Merlin (Merlin), M/M, Parent Gaius (Merlin), Pining Gwaine (Merlin), Pining Merlin (Merlin), Protective Knights (Merlin), Protectiveness, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:00:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24403219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Impala_Cherry_Trickster/pseuds/Impala_Cherry_Trickster
Summary: Merlin's struggling to deal with everything that's going on in Camelot, and the others begin to notice
Relationships: Gwaine/Merlin (Merlin)
Comments: 38
Kudos: 370





	1. Drugs

‘I fear we have a problem, Sire.’ Arthur always listened to Gaius’s counsel, and it was that hope that had brought him here today. The Physician stood at the Round Table, not taking his seat, for this was not a matter he wanted to be official on. Here sat the King’s closest, who also happened to be Merlin’s closest friends, which was why he was here. Morgana, tilting her head in concern, already coming to a conclusion.

‘It’s Merlin, isn’t it?’ Arthur’s worry was immediate, the others turning to Gaius with fear in their eyes. He wished he could say it wasn’t, that the young Warlock was fine, but it would be a lie.

‘I noted he was beginning to act slightly odd, Sire. For at least fourteen days, now.’ He knew, without having to ask, that the others must have picked up on something. Watched as Arthur frowned, as Morgana’s eyes lit up in understanding. As Gwaine grumbled something about how he should have asked.

‘What is it, Gaius?’ The King looked rather young, still boyish in the way he looked up at him for the bad news. Gaius hesitated, he felt like he was breaking Merlin’s trust just being here.

‘I fear Merlin might have been… taking something.’ He was surprised to see that it was Gwaine and Elyan that seemed to understand what he was hinting at.

‘Stealing?’

‘He means drugs.’ Gwaine stated, and Arthur let out a laugh, before realising that he was serious. His eyes widened, and Gaius sighed.

‘My stocks have been going missing, and he displays signs…’

‘Tell me them.’ Arthur demanded, while Gwen was by his side, her eyes showing the soft tears he felt like spilling.

‘The dark in his eyes has expanded, bloodshot. Shaking at times, acting rather drunk or far-away.’ No doubt Arthur was identifying some of the symptoms, and now the King looked pale.

‘How do we confront him?’ Gwen asked gently, her fear for her friend shining through.

‘We catch him in the act.’ Morgana stated simply, and Gaius knew he’d been right to come to them, even if he feared losing Merlin’s trust.

**

Merlin had never planned on becoming addicted. He’d been suffering from a particularly hard mission, having to kill a sorcerer that dared to defy Arthur’s rule, and Merlin had no choice. That was what he kept telling himself, even as the water washed away the blood, as he sunk to his knees and looked to the sky.

He couldn’t keep doing this. He was going insane, he could feel it, he was turning mad. It had gone downhill ever since he’d found out that Mordred had to die, he’d lost all control. His Magic no longer felt like his own, he couldn’t recognise the man he’d become, and he sobbed. Sobbed until he bit down onto the back of his hand, split the skin with his teeth.

Pain medication, a vial of some of the strongest stuff Gaius had made. He wasn’t sure how it would work for mental afflictions, if it would help relieve his dying mind. Taking it with shaking hands, Merlin had slumped down and waited for something to happen.

Peace. He felt happy, relaxed in a way that he had never felt before, had been able to serve Arthur his dinner with a laugh. In fact, he felt brilliant, like he could do anything. No longer was he thinking of the sorcerer that he’d killed, he was free of that burden.

After that, it was quick to slip. Every time the pain in his head got worse, every time he couldn’t bear to see his reflection, he would slip some of the substance. Each time the pain would leave, but would come back quicker and quicker, and he had no choice but to start making the substance himself. It wasn’t that complicated, he was a healer in part, had learnt from his mentor. No doubt Gaius would be ashamed, which drove him to start replacing the stock he was stealing.

Then, the afternoon came where he needed it. Where he didn’t have a vial made, and walked out into the room, only to find Gaius there. He ignored the questions, the eyes that lingered on his shaking hands. He snapped at his father-figure, without really meaning to, and stormed out. He kept a spare vial in the hut where he looked after Aithusa, downed it in one quick move.

There, the pain was gone, and Merlin travelled back to Camelot. Apologised to his father-figure, slapped Gaius on the shoulder in a manly gesture of affection, then went to the Lake for some contemplation.

‘You should stop.’ Freya whispered, looking at him with a pained expression, but Merlin was unsure what the issue was. No longer did it hurt him to stare at her, he could look at himself without feeling the disgust that boiled in his gut.

‘Come here.’ She led him, took his hands and guided him into the water while he laughed, told her to stop being so negative. That he was fine.

Her hands moved away his shirt, and Merlin found himself staring at the bruising on his torso. They were all accidents, moments where he got slightly frustrated and would end up hurting himself, usually between doses of the pain medication.

‘It was an accident.’ He tried to explain, only to realise that it hadn't really been, that he wanted it to hurt. That he’d been making the pain physical, like he was trying to justify the fact that he was taking the medication.

‘I swear, I didn’t mean…’ Freya cupped his cheek, held him gently.

‘I know. I know you didn’t, but Merlin, you have to stop.’ She had tears in her eyes, looked so sad, and Merlin couldn’t stand it. He left the water, shook his head as he grabbed his floating shirt and lay it out to dry.

‘You’re wrong. It makes sense.’

Merlin knew she was right, somewhere. But then there was Arthur, praising him for his happy mood the next morning, and so it hardly mattered that he was hiding a cut that was bandaged on his arm. That he held hot dishes slightly longer than he had to, that he didn’t complain when Arthur threw things at him. Small doses of pain, to manage the liquid he was draining.

Increasing the doses was the next step, to achieve the floating feeling that he wanted to keep. Merlin was able to keep up with the Knights, to laugh and joke with them and no longer feel like he was lying to them. It wasn’t a sin, if he could make them happy. It made up for all the lies.

He spent some of his evenings with Gwaine, could look into his sparkling gaze and no longer felt ashamed that he dared to dream he was worthy of the attention. Could even let himself flirt back, watched Gwaine’s amusement and felt his heart lift. This was fine, he had it under control, he could do this.

Gaius knew. His mentor was watching him, every time Merlin’s hands would shake or he would drop something, every time his attitude shifted. Merlin tried so hard, but the more he took, the quicker the affects would die. He needed more, needed to stay happy for them.

He couldn’t let the blood come back, couldn’t bear to have to feel all those dark things that bubbled under his skin. He needed this, more than anything he’d ever had.

He was only worth something if he was happy.


	2. Please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The others take action

Merlin stumbled slightly, righted himself and walked into Arthur’s Chambers, smiled goofily at the King.

‘Good morning, Arthur.’ The King was awake, looked slightly down, which he tried to hide the moment Merlin appeared. For some reason, Arthur bothered to track his movements to the table, to where he put down the tray of food and poured a glass of watered-down wine. Whatever was wrong with the King, it was his job to cheer him up.

‘Training with the Knights this morning, and then a meeting with your councillors after lunch. Sounds like a boring day.’ He teased, but Arthur didn’t indulge in the teasing, just moved across and sat down. His hand reached for the plate, gasped slightly when his skin touched it.

‘This is hot.’

‘It would be no use cold.’ He shot back, rolling his eyes as he went to make Arthur’s bed. The King had fallen silent again, and Merlin allowed him to have the silence.

‘You know that I couldn’t do this without you, don’t you Merlin?’ The question had him almost tripping, but more importantly, crashing the high he was chasing. Arthur was staring up at him, so honest, emotional in a way that was so rare.

It hurt. Gods, it felt like he couldn’t breathe, Merlin had to get out of this room. He made up some lame remark, something about always being here, then stumbled from the room as quickly as he dared to, slamming the door behind him by accident. He was alright, he just needed to breathe, he’d be able to get through the day. At lunch, if he still felt bad, he could give himself another dose.

**

He met the Knights with a bright smile, dressed Arthur up in his armour and was surprised when Gwaine spoke up.

‘You get in a fight?’ Merlin looked to where Gwaine was focused, staring at his wrist, where a nasty bruise had formed from Merlin trying to trap it in the door frame.

‘A run in with a wall.’ He provided with a cheeky smile, which somehow fell flat again. Gwaine’s smile was slightly pained, and Merlin wondered if he was acting weirdly. He tried to join in with the Knights, to laugh as he usually was, but it was hard when his head was beginning to go fuzzy.

So, when Arthur joked that Merlin would make a good target, and Leon’s hand clapped down on his shoulder, Merlin wobbled. It was mostly because his head ached, but his centre of balance had never been great.

‘Merl?’ Gwaine was speaking to him, and he couldn’t hear it. Shit, he was slipping already, and he’d never been this careless before.

‘Forgot something.’ He lied, slipped away from the group as quickly as he dared. Basically ran to the armoury, slammed the door shut and sunk to the floor, shaking as reached for the vial. He uncorked it, downed the ingredients and waited for the moment where it would hit.

It was like a rush, a surge of power that settled into his veins, and Merlin rose. Rolled his shoulders, looked across to the door, and took a deep breath.

**

Arthur noted his eyes first. Then Merlin’s lazy smile, so unlike the freaked out man that had run from the field. Gwaine looked awful, so pale as he watched his friend joke with the other Knights. Nobody knew quite how to react, nobody knew if they should bring it up. They just watched as Merlin laughed at a joke, smiled at Gwaine and asked if he was feeling alright.

‘Just fine.’ Gwaine smiled, but it was fake. Merlin would have been able to pick up on it immediately, would have pushed him, but this Merlin just moved on. Arthur watched in disbelief, unsure of what to do, of how he was supposed to deal with this.

Morgana was walking towards them, head held high, her expression emotionless, despite how her eyes gave her away.

‘Good morning, my Lady!’ Merlin cheered, and she smiled warmly at him, before looking up at Arthur. He could tell she was going to say something that he didn’t like, waited for the blow.

‘Gaius had prepared a room that can be used while we wait for the affects to go.’ He hadn't liked the idea of trapping Merlin, of caging him like a bird, but he had understood the need to.

‘Affects?’ Merlin joined in, naïve to the fact that it was about him. Morgana smiled, stepped closer, and Arthur knew the worst was to come. It was his Magic that had been brought up, the fact that Merlin had some abilities. Morgana had suggested the idea of the bracelet, explained it would hold back his Magic.

Merlin screeched when it closed around his wrist, stared at in confusion.

‘Morgana?’ He looked betrayed, and Arthur had to turn his back before those bright eyes could turn on him.

‘Until you get better, Merlin.’ He then heard the spell, knew that one of the Knights would catch him before he fell.

**

Morgana watched as Percival lowered Merlin to the bed, Gaius coming forwards and staring down at his Ward. His expression was neutral, even as he reached for the hem of the shirt.

‘Detoxing will not be easy. Whatever he says… you must know he won’t mean it.’ Morgana looked to Arthur, who stood by the door with Gwaine. The two of them were the ones that were most hurt by this, the ones that could barely look at the Warlock on the bed.

‘We know.’ Morgana confirmed, and Gaius began the process of searching his clothing. He came up with an empty vial, along with another that was filled with a clear liquid. He popped the cork on it, breathed in and winced.

‘It’s strong.’ He muttered, looking down to his son.

‘We need to bind his limbs.’ Gaius then remarked, trying to remain professional. When nobody moved forwards, Morgana took the task upon herself. After all, Merlin had been the one to train her, the one to keep her hidden from what he had to do to protect Arthur. She’d be the one to help him now, just like she should have done earlier.

With his ankles tied down, his jacket was removed and his hands were bound.

‘Oh Merlin…’ Gwen whispered, staring in horror at the bruising that raced up his arms. Small burns, little nicks on his skin that were trying to heal. Morgana ignored her words, brushed the hair from Merlin’s face.

She’d blocked his Magic. She couldn’t imagine how horrified she’d be, if someone did that to her. It was invasive, a breach of trust, and she could only hope that he’d forgive her.

**

Merlin woke up with a headache, and a weird emptiness in his chest. His eyes flicked open, staring up at a ceiling, before he tilted his head to the side. His wrists were bound, he found that out as soon as he tugged at them, then looked to his feet.

Stuck. Worse, Morgana had taken his Magic. The pain was growing, his breathing beginning to pick up, before he spotted Gwen.

‘Hey.’ She said weakly, but her smile was genuine.

‘Gwen, what’s going on?’ He knew what it was. They’d figured out what he was doing, and thought they knew better than he did. They didn’t understand that he needed this, that he could not survive if they took away the thing grounding him.

‘We’re going to help you get better.’ No, no they didn’t understand!

‘Gwen, Gwen please, just untie me. I can explain all of this.’ She looked away, eyes welling with tears, and Merlin fell silent. He was hurting her, the last thing he wanted to do, and decided he’d just wait until the others came. He had to be able to convince one of them to let him go.


	3. Fork

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin's not that impressed, tbh

He was okay. He was perfectly fine. His hands may be shaking slightly, and he was already uncomfortable, his skin feeling terribly hot. This was all okay, he had only been on the bed for a day, he was fine. They brought him food, water, let him have a moment untied in which he had tried to see if he could escape from the windows. Unfortunately, they were locked with Magic, thanks to Morgana.

They had shifts. Usually they came in pairs, and Merlin was still too angry to talk to them, ignored them as he stared up at the ceiling. He didn’t want to be here anymore, he couldn’t keep lying here, his body felt like it was dying.

‘Can… can I have some water?’ He croaked, glancing across to Elyan, who was currently by himself. The Knight smiled warmly, fetched the waterskin and brought it across, cradling his head gently and helping him drink.

‘Easy, small sips.’ He advised, and Merlin obeyed, even if he wanted nothing more than to snarl at the man. Once he had his fill, Elyan returned the waterskin, peered down.

‘You look hot.’

‘It’s boiling in here.’ Merlin shot back, before realising that the Knight was wearing armour and a cape, and there was barely a single drop of sweat on him. In fact, he looked positively chilled.

‘Gaius says that the heat is good. That it’ll help this be over faster.’ The last thing he wanted to do was listen to Gaius’s stupid predictions on what he was going through, and Merlin felt his lip curling in annoyance.

‘It would be over faster if you let me out.’ He snapped, watched Elyan’s frown appear, before the Knight walked back to his perch.

‘Sorry.’ He eventually stated, feeling bad, and Elyan just shrugged.

‘We’re not supposed to take anything you say seriously, the fever will affect your speech.’ He was acting so calm, so restrained, and Merlin found himself trying to fight the bonds that held him down, just on instinct.

‘Maybe that’s a sign you should let me be.’ The Knight didn’t want to argue, even if Merlin did, and so the Warlock slumped back onto the bed, squeezed his eyes shut and tried to control his breathing.

**

_‘Why did you do this?’ She whispered, horrified, staring down to the knife that Merlin had just used to stab her. A sorcerer, doing nothing more than trying to avenge her family’s death, and Merlin had killed her. Using Magic, betraying her trust, and now she was bleeding out._

_‘I had to. For my King.’ It sounded weak, even to his own ears, and Merlin glanced to his hands. Stained dark red, the same red that was creeping from the wound, moving over his bare feet and beginning to flood the space. It crept higher, like it would drown him, but the girl was shifting._

_Her blonde hair turned dark, blue eyes now green, and Morgana Pendragon stared back at him._

_‘You didn’t save me…’ She whispered, before clutching at her throat. Poison, he’d been going to poison her, before he decided to save her. She was safe._

_Except here she wasn’t, drowning in the blood that Merlin had caused, screaming out his name as in engulfed her._

**

‘Merlin! Merlin, you’re okay!’ He screamed, thrashed in the arms that were trying to hold him down. There was so much blood, it was everywhere, he couldn’t get out of it. Drowning, unable to swim, being swamped under all those he killed.

‘Get it off! Get it off!’ He screeched, then realised that it was no longer Morgana that he was staring at. He stopped fighting, let the hands that were holding him push him back down to the bed.

Percival looked horrified, and Merlin didn’t feel much better.

‘There’s so much blood.’ He whispered, staring up at his tied hands, finding them perfectly clean.

‘There’s no blood, Merlin. You’re okay.’ The Knight was sitting down, perched on the edge of the bed, staring down at him with worry.

‘It wasn’t mine.’ He admitted, then looked back to the ceiling.

‘Is… is Lady Morgana alright?’ He knew it was stupid, it had just been a nightmare, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that she was still hurt. Percival didn’t comment on the weirdness of his question, just placed a gentle hand on his arm.

‘I can go and have Gwen check on her, if it would make you feel better?’ It must be night-time, he realised. They were still taking shifts, the only two who hadn't yet been in being Arthur and Gwaine. No doubt too disgusted by him.

‘No, it’s okay. I… Sorry.’ Percival sighed, squeezed his arm, before moving back to the seat he had been in before Merlin woke him.

The fever was getting worse, he could feel it. He checked one last time for blood, before lying back.

**

Morgana came at breakfast, whispering with Percival at the door, before walking across. Merlin hadn't slept for the rest of the night, had remained awake counting the lines on the ceiling, and now looked across to the Lady that placed down the tray.

‘I’m going to untie you for a bit, let you walk around.’ He didn’t speak, watched as she undid the restraints, and Merlin rolled his joints. Rose on unsteady limbs, felt his head throb and his body protest at the movement.

‘Steady. Here, try and eat something.’ He did as she told, let her feed him like he was a babe, kept checking her over to see if any of the cuts were real.

‘Percival said you had a nightmare.’ Another bite, and Merlin’s stomach twisted.

‘It was nothing.’ He quickly assured her, watched as her hand began to blur in his vision, Merlin grimacing.

‘You don’t have to pretend with us, Merlin. We’re concerned.’ He was concerned that they might genuinely be killing him, he felt like he was about to die, vaguely managed to blabber out a request for the chamber pot before his gut emptied.

Her hand remained on his back as he threw up everything he had, retching as his stomach twisted.

‘I’m going to get some water.’ She murmured soothingly, stood up as he hung over the edge of the pot, grimacing at the taste in his mouth. The door clicked shut, leaving Merlin alone in the room, and he looked around.

A fork. She’d brought him a fork for breakfast, and he reached out with unsteady fingers to pick it up. With his head pounding, he just needed a little of the pain medication. Just a mouthful, he swore that would be all he’d take. But to do that, they had to see he was in pain.

Plus, deep down, he was craving the rush that came when he watched his blood bleed from his skin. A reminder that he was human, despite all these horrible things he had to do.

He yanked at his trousers, managed to get them down enough to expose his thigh. He was glad they hadn't looked for further injuries, his thighs weren’t a pretty picture, and he gently rose the fork.

It only took one thought back to his nightmare, one thought to the Lady drowning in the blood he had caused, to give him the strength needed to bring down the sharp prongs into his skin. Strangely, he barely felt it at all, would have thought it a dream had Morgana not opened the door and screamed.


	4. Visions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me hurting Merlin some more

‘I won’t do it again.’ He promised, for what had to be at least the eighth time. It didn’t make a difference, they wouldn’t listen to him, the bonds hadn't been untied for a while now. Plus, he no longer had the trousers covering him, just his underclothes that left far too many of his bruises and marks on display.

‘Leon…’ He tried, looking across to the Knight perched at the door, who refused to look in his direction.

‘It hurts.’ It did, a lot, but Merlin was more worried about the fact that he was starting to see things that couldn’t be real.

Take Will, for example, who was perched on the window-ledge staring out across Camelot. He looked as he did when Merlin last saw him, young and happy, although the shadow of worry that always hovered was still present.

‘You really messed up this time, ey Merlin?’ He joked, and the Warlock looked to his friend, then huffed.

‘Almost as much as that one time with Old man Simmons.’ That made Merlin chuckle, his friend smiling as well.

‘S’not my fault.’ He shot back, and Will gave a sad smile. A silence fell between them, mostly filled with Merlin taking the time to study his friend, to remember the casual easiness that came between them. Will had been the only one there for him, the one that knew about his Magic and accepted it. Didn’t treat him differently, even before he knew.

‘Merlin…’ His eyes focused, blinking when he saw the arrow embedded into Will’s body. Blood was beginning to spread, and Merlin found himself thrashing before he could stop it, pleading for his friend to come across.

He could have healed him. If he’d been strong enough, he would have healed him, regardless of what Arthur may have thought. Will was bleeding, tumbling onto the floor and Merlin could only scram his name, watching as he bled out.

It took time, but eventually he settled for sobbing, unable to draw his eyes away from the spot. He startled when a hand closed over his shoulder, found Morgana’s bright eyes staring down at him.

‘It isn’t real, Merlin.’ She looked so pained, upset almost, and Merlin looked between her and Will, trying to figure out which one was real. She felt real, her hand was soft against his skin, but Will’s glassy eyes were staring up at him and the Warlock didn’t know how to feel.

‘It’s just your mind, he isn’t there. Will’s at peace.’ Of course, she knew him. Had been there, when Will had jumped in front of a bolt not meant for him. He turned back to her, staring up and realising that there were quite a few people in the room. Arthur and Gwaine, finally, although Merlin didn’t care any more.

‘Morgana, please.’ He whispered, and he watched her eyes flash golden.

‘No. No, Gana no don’t…’ But the spell was muttered, and Merlin was knocked out before he could complain anymore.

**

He watched as Gwaine pressed the rag to his forehead, then dipped it back to the cold bucket of water by the side. Neither of them had spoken, ever since Gwaine had replaced Lancelot as Merlin’s guard.

‘Gaius says it should only be a couple more days for the worst to pass.’ The Knight remarked, and Merlin felt the guilt creep in. No, it rushed in, swamping him far faster than he could swim.

‘M’sorry.’ The Knight froze, finally looking at him in the eye, and Merlin held it.

‘Why did you do it?’ He wasn’t angry, Merlin realised. He was confused, so utterly hurt that Merlin hadn't come to him, and the Warlock thought that Gwaine deserved to be angry. That he should realise it wasn’t his fault, this was entirely on Merlin.

‘There’s so much blood…’ Merlin whispered, before trying to blink back tears that formed, and Gwaine’s thumb was already there to brush them away.

‘Tell me about it.’ He pleaded, and Merlin didn’t have to worry about pushing them away. They already thought him weak, what more harm could he do?

‘I don’t want to be Arthur’s destiny, I… I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough. There are so many people that I have to stop, and they’re just like me. With Magic, lost and confused, but I act like I’m above them.’ Gwaine didn’t stop with the cool rag, along Merlin’s bare chest, down to his hips and then back up.

‘Then let us help. Tell us what’s happening, Merl, and we’d help you. I’d help you.’ Gwaine’s voice dropped for the last bit, honesty seeping in the words, but Merlin could already feel his head beginning to spin.

‘Go. I don’t… I don’t want you to see me like this.’ Merlin tried, desperate to get Gwaine out of the way, but the Knight just shook his head, rang out the cloth again.

‘Gwaine, Gwaine something’s wrong.’ His body felt like it was on fire, it was spreading and he was choking up, and he saw the Knight bolt for the door.

**

Gwaine watched in horror as Merlin’s body seized again, while Gaius kept a careful hand on his shoulder. It was awful to see, but the physician wasn’t too worried about it, even though it was the third time it had happened.

When Merlin stopped, his eyes sluggishly opening to look around, it was Gaius that told him what happened.

‘I hate you.’ Three words, uttered with such conviction, but Gaius didn’t even falter. Just went about cooling more rags, ignoring the way Merlin began to tug and hiss.

‘Not too long now, Merlin.’

‘I’ll never forgive you.’ Arthur left the room, marching out and slamming the door behind him. Gwen quickly followed, the Knights looking unsure, and Gwaine didn’t know whether or not he could deal with it if Merlin’s anger turned towards him.

‘You should go, Sir Gwaine, I don’t think Merlin would forgive himself if he said something to you.’ Gaius didn’t even look across at him to speak, continued to wash down Merlin while the Warlock spat curses at him. He’d never really thought about how strong Gaius must be, to have lived with Magic in a time with Uther, to keep his nephew safe and protected, and now to act like there was nothing wrong with the words that fell from Merlin’s lips.

One thing was for sure, he didn’t envy the next person to be on Merlin-watch.

**

He shouldn’t have been surprised, when the next person that showed up was Balinor. Merlin flinched, tried to curl away from the man that stood in the room, whimpered when he moved to the end of the bed.

‘You let them down, son.’ Merlin’s head shot across to the door, where nobody was sitting, because the Knights, Lady Morgana and Gwen were currently in a meeting. Sefa had promised to come and check in on him at some point, but that wasn’t going to be too much help.

‘The Knights of Camelot dying, because you couldn’t live up to your blood.’ It was true, of course it was, Merlin had seen it so many times. He was the one responsible for their deaths, for the blood that stained Camelot’s soil.

‘Shame it wasn’t yours.’ This time, Merlin realised, there would be nobody to knock him out when the pain got too much.


	5. Breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More angst, with a pop up of Freya

‘I’ve got so many secrets.’ Merlin mumbled vaguely, head in her lap, and Morgana rose her head to shoot a quick look of warning to the others in the room. They shouldn’t even be here, and she knew that Merlin didn’t know they were here.

Sefa had come bursting into the Council room, uncaring of the fact she addressed the King without curtseying, too panicked to even hesitate. When they found Merlin, he’d been seizing again, but now he seemed tired. Exhausted, like the last of the energy had drained from him. There was no more shaking, the fever was dropping, but he looked almost dead.

‘Like?’ They were the closest of friends, or had been. But she knew there were things he kept, she had seen the way his eyes glazed over any time she tried to ask about Destiny.

‘You’re supposed to die.’ Her heart stopped, or it felt like it, and she glanced down to Merlin.

‘What do you mean?’ She shouldn’t be asking, it was wrong to push him. He had to come to them, to offer out the truths that he kept hidden.

‘I was told to kill you. T’keep Arthur safe. You were meant to kill him.’ Morgana had, deep down, suspected that she was on the wrong side of this prophecy. That Merlin’s reluctance to teach her at first had something to do with the destiny of Camelot. Hearing it wasn’t easy, that she was the bad guy in the tale.

‘But you didn’t.’ She pointed out, and Merlin laughed. It was humourless, pained, and his blue eyes looked up.

‘I didn’t kill you. But I had to kill so many others, to make up for what I’d done.’ He’d killed for her. To keep her in Camelot. She winced, looked to where he was studying his hands.

‘Destiny was cruel to you.’ She whispered, and Merlin’s sad smile came back, the one that would always break her heart.

‘I deserved worse.’

**

Merlin vaguely noted that Morgana was gone, that he was back to being alone in his little bubble. He wondered if the blood that he was seeing was actually on his hands, or whether it was just a figment of his imagination again. Either way, it was horrible to watch the way it dried.

‘How you feeling?’ He jumped, blinked away the blurred vision that came if he tried to look too far away, was relieved to see Gwen. She smiled warmly, sitting down on the edge of the bed and reached for his hand.

‘No! No, you’ll get blood on you.’ He mumbled, dragged his hands as far away from her as he could keep them. Her eyes widened, her teeth biting down onto her lip, but she didn’t argue.

‘Merlin, you know you can trust us. That we’ll always be friends.’ He laughed at that, it was funny to hear, caught her confused look.

‘S’not true. One day you’ll be Queen.’ She’d be brilliant, he’d seen the future, knew she would rule beautifully. Gwen froze, mouth opening, then shutting.

‘Queen?’ She eventually managed, turning to look across to the door, like there was somebody else in here. To be honest, Merlin wasn’t even really sure if Gwen was here. Nothing seemed real anymore.

‘Course. Seeing the future has perks.’ Very few, but one of them was knowing that Gwen would be alright.

‘You can do that?’

‘Mhm. Comes in useful. Lots of people killing Arthur.’ He didn’t fancy talking too much about that now, tipped his head to the side and looked towards the window, then looked back at Gwen.

‘Can you bring me water? A bowl of it?’

**

Morgana didn’t dare presume, but she had a feeling that she knew why Merlin had asked for a bowl of water. The group had demanded to stay, didn’t trust that Merlin could be left alone unbonded, and Gwen had given him some space. The basin of water sat on the table, but Merlin didn’t bother climbing off the bed. Actually, she figured he couldn’t, he looked far too weak.

‘Freya.’ The others presumed it another hallucination, looked to each other to see which one of them would tie him back down. But Morgana shook her head, demanded they stay down, waited.

The bowl tipped from the table, Gwen yelping as water spilled over the floor. From the small puddle, just as Morgana had first suspected, stepped a woman dressed in white.

**

Freya had seen Merlin, down by the lake. Knew he was suffering, the poor Warlock, that he needed her. But she couldn’t come, not unless he called, and now he had. It wasn’t a very good connection, she wouldn’t last for long, but she had enough strength to pull herself into the Castle of Camelot.

There were a lot of people in the room. The King included, his Once and Future Queen, the High Priestess. The Knights of Camelot, the ones that Merlin had included under his wing of protection.

‘Merlin.’ She rushed up the bed, knowing the water would not last long, that she didn’t have time to panic.

‘Hurts.’

‘I know, you’re doing so well, love. Just a little bit longer, and then you’ll be back on your feet.’ She focused as much energy as she dared, placed a hand to his forehead and tried to alleviate some of the pain.

‘Need to get back to…’

‘Destiny can wait. Arthur’s safe, I’ve got your Hatchling and Kilgharrah on patrol.’ Merlin mumbled something that sounded like thank-you, and Freya smiled. Brushed aside his sweaty hair, dared to lean down and press a quick kiss to his cheek.

‘I won’t let you fall so low again, Emrys.’ She whispered the words, knew they’d echo across to the High Priestess, looked across to the woman.

‘Freya.’ Morgana knew of her, then.

‘High Priestess Morgana.’ She inclined her head in respect, the Sorceress rising up.

‘Is it true? Was I supposed to kill Arthur?’ Ah, so Merlin had been letting secrets slip out.

‘Merlin couldn’t let you slip. You’re no longer a threat to Camelot, but destiny doesn’t take too kindly to Emrys avoiding the prophecy.’ The High Priestess went to speak, but Freya was already being dragged back.

‘Come and visit me once you’re better, Merlin. And you better bring me strawberries.’

**

Merlin looked to Gaius as he helped him sit up, handed across a bowl of broth.

‘How are you feeling?’ His Uncle asked, and Merlin tried to focus. His body was still battered and bruised, and the hollow ache from the loss of his Magic was making him miserable.

‘Can I have it back? Just… just for a bit.’ He didn’t care if the others were watching, if they thought him weak. He needed his Magic.

‘Lady Morgana, would you mind?’ Gaius eventually said, his decision made. Merlin watched her walk across, reach for the band around his wrist.

‘I’m sorry I did that to you.’ She muttered, guilt written across her face, but Merlin just ignored it. He was the one that should be apologising, he was the one that couldn’t handle a destiny that he’d been born for.

What use was he, if he did not have his Magic to protect Arthur?


	6. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin's healing, with the others' support

Morgana was the one to gasp, watched as Merlin’s eyes flashed golden, as his skin began to heal itself. The bruises faded, the tiny cuts sealing up and leaving barely a single mark. The Warlock shuddered, tilted his head to the ceiling in concentration. The bigger wounds, like from the incident with the fork, began to heal as well.

She was unsurprised when he passed out quickly after, dropping back to the bed like a stone. Gaius was quick to check his pulse, then sat back, looking to Morgana.

‘When he wakes, he should be mostly recovered. Water and food, but otherwise he should have gotten rid of the toxins in the blood.’ Which meant now it was down to them, for the last little bit. To prove to Merlin that he had them, that they could help him shoulder the burden that he had been given.

‘I’ll wait with him.’ Gwaine didn’t leave any room for argument, rushed across to his side and crawled up onto the bed next to him, hesitantly reaching out to brush his fingers over Merlin’s shoulder. Morgana thought to everything they had learned, to the Lady of the Lake and the Destiny that Morgana should have been on the dark side of.

The conversation with Merlin could wait, they just needed to make sure he was healed.

**

He shuddered as the water rushed over him, scrubbed at his skin until he was clean. Drying himself was hard, his muscles still ached in places he didn’t even think possible, but he managed to get himself dressed and went to sit on the bench, gave a weak smile to Gaius as he sat down a bowl of broth.

In addition, there were slightly richer foods, things that had to have come from the kitchens. He didn’t ask, picked and nibbled at different parts, stuck to the water rather than the weak wine that Gaius offered.

‘How are you feeling, physically?’ His Uncle asked, while Merlin looked up.

‘A bit stiff. Nothing bad.’ Gaius appeared to be studying him, to see if Merlin was lying, but he was being honest at this point.

‘Mentally?’ The Warlock focused back on the bowl of food, tried to work around that difficult topic. His head was a mess, a blurred lump of memories and hallucinations, of the destiny he was supposed to have, mixed in with visions of the future.

‘Alright.’ That was a lie, and they both knew it, but his Uncle didn’t push the topic. Merlin finished as much as he could, which he realised was barely anything, pushing the bowl back.

‘I’m going to get some sleep.’

**

Arthur watched as his manservant moved around his Chambers, humming to himself as he did so. It had been three days since he’d returned to work, even though Arthur had protested. If there was one thing Merlin was good at, it was being stubborn. Like the fact they hadn't brought up what happened, about everything Merlin had kept from him.

‘You’re staring, Sire.’ Merlin teased, a hint of his former self there, a slight smile that made the band in his chest relax. It would take time, but Merlin would get back to his normal self, as long as they continued the support.

‘Just wondering if that awful tune is supposed to cheer me up.’ He shot back, was surprised to hear Merlin’s laugh.

‘I thought you said you missed me.’ Arthur had said that, in one of his few moments of emotion, had placed a hand on Merlin’s shoulder and briefly pulled him in for a hug.

‘As a friend, I’m obliged to point out there is no link between your off-tune humming, and whether or not I missed you.’ He didn’t miss the way the word friend had Merlin looking slightly startled, before a sincere smile crossed his face.

‘Thank you. For everything.’ Oh, this was the serious part of the conversation, and Arthur smiled right back. Somehow, his manservant had managed to weave his way into Arthur’s life so intricately, that there was not even the possibility of him going back.

‘You don’t need to thank me. Just… talk to someone. Anyone, even if it is not me.’ That would come with time, he knew their relationship was mostly based on joking and teasing, that the deeper conversations came when one of them suffered or had been put in a life-threatening conversation.

‘Lady Morgana is being quite persistent on that front.’ Merlin agreed, straightening the bed-sheets before moving across to the cupboard.

‘Girly feelings.’ Arthur joked, and Merlin’s laughter lit up the room.

**

‘Fetch.’ Gwaine tried for the third time, while Merlin clutched at his stomach laughing. The Knight didn’t mind being the source of amusement, especially with how far they had progressed in the past week. Plus, the Dragon was quite cute, had bright blue eyes that reminded him of the Warlock currently laughing at him.

‘It’s a Dragon, not a pup!’ He called, and Gwaine rolled his eyes.

‘Yes Merls, I can see that.’

He’d learnt a lot about Merlin in the past week, had allowed the Warlock to slowly tell him the truth about things. It seemed to be an awfully lonely job, to protect Arthur and have to put him above everything else. Still, Merlin seemed in a better mood now, had admitted it was easier to talk to Gwaine now that he knew about everything.

The fact that Merlin thought he had to put on a front in the first place, it still stung slightly. That he had tried to act like everything was okay, that there weren’t any issues, it made Gwaine sad to think about.

‘You’re supposed to be on my side.’ Gwaine grumbled at Aithusa, who cocked his head in amusement. It was actually quite funny, to see him copy the mannerisms that came with Merlin. The Knight threw the stick again, cheered when the Dragon went to pick it up.

‘See. He knows I’m awesome.’ Gwaine remarked, then regretted his early bragging when the Dragon breathed fire onto the stick. It turned to a pile of ash, and Merlin was crying with laughter by this point, tears leaking from the corner of his eyes as he tried to maintain a serious expression.

‘Very awesome.’ He deadpanned, and Gwaine had decided it was time to settle the score. Reached out to ruffle Merlin’s hair, only to get distracted by those expressive eyes, and found himself glancing down to his lips.

‘Okay?’ He asked, very aware that he shouldn’t be pushing Merlin, that the Warlock had to come to this decision by himself.

‘Very okay.’ He whispered back, and the space between them vanished.

**

‘Steady.’ Merlin scolded lightly, and Morgana focused her Magic again, grinned in triumph as the stream of fire engulfed the pile of wood, but stretched no further.

‘There you go.’ A good teacher, an even better friend, especially now he had no hesitancy in teaching her how to control her gift.

‘One day I’m going to set your hair on fire.’ She told him seriously, and Merlin just shot her a brilliant smile, one that was almost as bright as the Merlin she first met.

It would take time, but with everyone he now had to support him, Merlin would be just fine. They’d make sure of it.


End file.
